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  • Listening to: pinback
  • Reading: ummm read the newspaper this morning i suppos
  • Watching: the simpsons movie
  • Playing: second life
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  • Drinking: beer!
So I never seen to stop by here anymore.  Probably because I've focused most of my attention to my website ...link below.  But I thought I would stop by again and see how ol' deviant art is doing.  In addition to that, I added some of the advertisements and covers I've done at my job working at a magazine.  Just to give everyone a heads up on what I've been doing!  Haven't painted in a year :(  but I did do a freelance design recently for a winery...unpaid, but I really enjoyed doing it and it always looks good for my portfolio.  It was a little cartoon illustration for a tee shirt..did it completely in illustrator with the pen tool!  whoo hooo!

check that out here:

cartoon!

so thats my update...

take care~!
so.........i havent been around much lately.  doing the whole work thing.  the daily "grind" indeed.  but i have great news to share with the art community:  after one whole year of struggling, i recently was hired as a production artist at a local magazine.  i start next week.  no more mindless office work!  no more temp agencies!  and best of all, i found and got it all on my own.

im so excited.

finally i will have a job utilizing my degree in art.  couldnt ask for anything more.

well, better pay. but that will come eventually :)
I believe we as human beings are born with certain special attributes.  characteristics sewn into the fabric of each and every one of our unique genetic make-up, insisting that we do particular activities in life.  Of course, the whole premise of human nature is based on the notion of free will, and we can ignore those incessant commands to use our built in talents if we choose to.  Everything comes down to choices.

I have met several individuals who had dreams in life.  I say 'had,' because they gave up on those dreams, and settled in their lives, believing there was no turning back.  And for some of those people, maybe that is inevitably true. responsibility is a part of life too, and sometimes that takes over dreams, desires, and natural talent.  It is unfortunate.

I have never doubted who I wanted to be in life.  I believe there is a reason I have always been able to draw and paint.  There is a reason I want to look at the world in creative way.  And there is a reason I continue to want to create art to this day, even after ending the period of my life where a teacher gave me assignments I had to complete.  Art was built into my body before I was even born.  That is just how it is. And there is no denying it.

I also see a reason that there are things I do not want to do.  I do not suggest I am physically unable to do those things, I just lack the desire.  And there lies the difference.

I believe we as human beings are capable of learning new things on a daily basis.  Maybe some of those things can not be achieved in a single day…or even a week, month or a year.  But I believe with time, knowledge can be achieved.  It is all based on a choice: do you really want to learn that particular thing or not?  It is very black and white.  Without the want, there is no hope.

But those special attributes, the things in life that give a person joy, comfort, and pride,  it is so very important and necessary.  I always wanted to be an artist, and I will be.  I have to be. Or I will be incomplete.  It is the only thing I am certain about in my life.  And all I can hope is that everyone else has found that special part of them, and realizes how important it is to use their talents.

There is a reason we are able to do certain things effortlessly.  And there is a reason it gives us enjoyment to use those talents.  It is meant to be.

---

I don't want my discouraging job hunt to get me down.  I admit I have been slightly broken down to accept things may not work out for a while.  But I refuse to settle to less that I believe I am capable of, and deserve…in the long run.  I find it terribly sad to speak to people who are in a career they hate.  That they once had dreams of being something else, but started a family and have commitments to the ones they love.  I respect that very much, but it is still sad.

I also find it sad the meet people without any dreams.  I never thought it was possible until I started working with a temp agency in a variety of different industries.  To ask someone what they really want to do, (assuming they have goals past being a receptionist or doing data entry) and they have no answer, puts me in awe.  What is life without dreams?  Without hope of a better future?  I cant imagine being broken down that much.

all i ask if for someone to take a chance on me.  to realize i have so much to offer, and that my abilities can be greatly utilized.  maybe i dont know everything.  especially about life.  but like i said, we are all capable of learning....and i want to learn.  i want to be successful.

just give me a chance to prove myself.

im begging you.
now i know ive been posting a lot of bulletins regarding my website, but this is BIG NEWS!


my genious brother finally figured out the glitches in the flash code. my website is a million times better now with beautiful, clean, viewer-friendly galleries. EVERYONE MUST CHECK IT OUT!!

the new and improved heatherwillens.net

*now complete with image commentary! oooo ahhhh...*
new section on my website!  "Animated GIFs"

decided to start a page for my animated gif projects...i just made a new one tonite, entitled "into the mirror."  go check it out...i think you will like it ;)

heatherwillens.net/animated.ph…

i plan on creating many many more...its just to damn fun for words.  hahaha.
[EDIT] here is a link to the flash code: flash gallery code

---
alright xanga world, i need your help.  looking for any flash guros out there who would like a bit of a coding challege.

heres the deal:  my brother has been helping me build a flash-based gallery.  its nearly finished but has one kink in it: the correct postioning(i.e. centering) of the loaded images is not working right.  you click a thumbnail once, its off to the side or something, or over the text, then click the same thumb again, it and works itself out.  check it out here:

palmdalian.gotdns.com/heather2…

if anyone knows wuts going on here, please send me a message.  i need help!

i will say in advance that the code is not very clean, my bro is new to flash and some things are kinda pieced together.  the flash works along with a xml file and there is some complicated math used to resize the images to fit on the screen without scrolling.  but if anyone wants to take a look at the file.  please let me know.

and i really want this up on my site soon.  will dramatically improve its appearance.

thanks!
go to my website...heatherwillens.net,
click on 'other projects' at the bottom, and go to fortune teller...its fun stuff!

im glad i finally got it online ready!

***new gallery layout coming soon***
Okay, so im sure my last journal made me seem like the most depressed, gun-to-the-head, lost soul EVER.  Well.  something happened today.  Ya know that lil light bulb that appears over someones head in cartoons??  that happened to me today.  i realized what career i want to get into.  Ever since I went on the interview for the custom painting position...and didnt get it...it has remained implanted in my head.  i kept thinking "gee, i can really see myself doing this, this could be the job for me.  I mean, i love painting, i want to do something practical, yet still creative with my life, and there is no other skill i am more confident about.

and today, i was given a sign.

after realizing this is what i wanted to do with my life, another realization came to me:  i do not have experience in the field.  obviously this is why i was overlooked for the job i interviewed for.  and until i find a way to get my foot in the door, i will continue to be overlooked.  just as with any job.  so today, after calling different painting companies to see if they were hiring, or at least could tell me how to get hired there, something wonderful happened.  

no, none of those companies were any help to me.  

instead, as if someone is looking out for me, a posting appeared on craigslist with this title:

Seeking painter who would like to learn faux finish technique

OMG, it is my calling, i now know that!  here is someone willing to teach me the tricks of the trade, AND pay me to help paint a few rooms in her house!  So i emailed her with more enthusiasm than an email could show, and she called me back.

AND I GOT THE JOB!!!  im going to learn how to do faux painting!!  I'm gonna get the experience and get a real job now.

i believe in signs.  this woman's post was a sign that the custom painting business is for me.  Like, come on!  the exact day that I'm trying to find out how to get into the profession someone sends out an ad saying they will teach me the skills needed.  it is fate.

im so happy rite now.  i always say, "everything will work out eventually...no need to freak out, you are a good person and the time will come for you."  I was beginning to question that.

how silly of me
:-)
How long before desperation kicks in?  that moment when one realizes there is no longer any chance of prosperity or option to have standards.  When survival must come into play…time to bow one's head in shame and say I cannot fight anymore..for my beliefs, my hopes and dreams, my want for success, and thought of never once having to settle in life.

When everyone else turned out to be right.

The tears swell up, just daring to trickle down one's cheek and leave a once strong individual as a pitiful empty shell of an existence.  No longer being able to see a shiny document as a symbol of success and ticket into a wonderful world of endless possibilities…but rather, a stupid piece of paper which means nothing to nobody.   It does, in fact, mean nothing to nobody, for it is just as ordinary as breathing in today's society.

How long before one has to admit defeat? Admit that it will never be easy, that there will always be hundreds of people better out there…and that horrible word must become part of a lifestyle---settling.  Settling for anything.  Any ounce of currency in one's pocket, any job title…that can instantly be reworded and "glamorized" just to continue some sort of pride in the eyes of others. Having to simply grow up and understand that sometimes you must do things not out of want or desire, but out of simply having no other choice.  Out of simply being responsible and doing whatever it takes to pay the bills.

Where talent no longer means anything…phrases like "dead-end job," and "minimum wage" begin to sound like the only option out there.  Because they are always there, simply because no one, but the desperate, ever wants to take them.  Suddenly all the stubbornness in the world is not going to help you.  No one will pity you, no one will care.  You are just a fly in the unemployment world.  Its all on you….and how much longer you can hold out before finally holding your arms up in the air and accepting the miserable destiny of being a disgruntled, resentful employee.  Working some hourly job where you could be replaced in a whim if you don't always smile and nod at some boss who treats you like some uneducated individual who made all the wrong choices in life.  There are wrong choices of course, no matter how many people tell you otherwise.  There are different paths in life.  One's where there is nothing but no U-turn signs and you must keep truckin' along accepting the choices you made.

Where did the hope go?  I suppose it when down the drain with overpopulation. They say that this is a great time for employment.  Anyone who wants a job can get it.  what they don't say is this is a great time for employment if you are willing to do anything for money.  Sure if working in the local retail store where people can look down on you and treat you like shit because they had a bad day and find pleasure in taking it out on perfect strangers is right up your alley, go for it!  the middle class is slowly disappearing.  The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer.  The sports teams are having strikes because 50 fucking million dollars a year ISNT good enough!!  The rich politicians don't have enough money so they abuse the system and give themselves larger raises!!  (yes I have proof of this, happened right in san diego) and the insurance companies turn down thousands of people for necessary health care b/c they are the ones who actually need it.  oh god forbid they actually help sick people!  Actually put a use to the millions of dollars they get from good people.

Yes I am bitter.  Yes I am upset.  This country is shameful.  There is no equality.  There never will be.  There are so many desperate people out there who just want to survive!  Just want to exist…is that something to punish?
well i didnt get the job.  decided to just call and find out rather than hear silence, and it was confirmed.  and she couldnt get off the phone with me quicker.

im sad now.

what am i going to do.

its like there is nothing else out there.

and i guess my life isnt changing at all.  

back to square one.  its hard to admit....:(
well, i went on a job interview today.  not like any of the past either.  this one was for a future...not just something to pass the time and make some quick cash.  ive graduated from college and have to take my next step in life...find a career.  no more" JOBS"...no more babysitting.  i want a real profession.  i applied and interviewed for a painting position at a custom interior painting company.  its seriously right up my alley because i dont really want to be an "artist."  i just want to find a stable job where i can utilize my artistic skills toward a practical means.  and this would be just that.  something that would keep me painting, keep me creative...while actually making an income.

its like a dream.

i could not imagine being at a place i hated, working a job thatr made me count the minutes till i could go home.  that, in my opinion would be some sort of undeserved punishment.

and it felt great to give my website address to the woman who called me.  its what I have been planning the whole time ive been working on it.  i kept telling people, "well...im not looking extremely hard for a job just yet b/c im building my website, and i think it will help me get a job.."  i still believe that.

well see in a week.  wish me luck.
  • Watching: Batman Begins